I want to write about my specific boundaries I set while Darin and I were in the midst of our marriage battle. I hesitate to write these because I do believe what boundaries were good for me and ultimately Darin may not be good for you. Everyone wants to find the silver bullet. Just tell me what to do and I will do it and well it just doesn’t work that way. Fighting for your marriage involves going to God and asking him: what do you need me to do and then doing it in faith. I wish there was an easier way but there is not. Reminds me of the verse that says…we work out our own salvation with fear and trembling! Isn’t that the truth!
These are the boundaries I set regarding Darin and I
1. I refused to talk about the plight of our relationship with Darin. Now this boundary took me awhile to set. He was in such a dark place that it seemed as if he loved to tell me how he had no feelings for me and this and that! It was awful and it felt as if he was throwing up on me with his mouth. I remember one time specifically and I have probably wrote about it before but Darin had come to visit Macy and he said he wanted to talk with me. I turned my body so that I could see him but my back was turned toward him. It was like I was protecting my heart from his brutal words. I am sure you all know exactly what I am talking about if you have been there yourself. I finally said no more. If you want to talk about “us” then we have to be with our counselor. This was very very smart of me to do. This protected Me from Darin and Darin from Me!
See now looking back I get it. Darin had suppressed his feelings for so long that he wanted to get them out and it was good to get them out. This is so so important. Something I did not know or understand at the time. But, though it was important for him to express them, God showed me that I wasn’t the one that needed to hear all his struggles.
2. Another boundary I set was financial. Darin was going to college in the midst of all this and he was able to cover his bills, like his apartment, food, college, all his expenses and never asked for any money from me but I paid for everything else. I kept our mortgage up, Paid for Insurance: car and health, daycare, everything else. I felt a total peace about this and strongly felt I was not to use money to manipulate Darin. This is not the worlds way at all. Fortunately my counselor had the mind of God on this too. I asked her what I should do and she encouraged me to wait it out and not change anything. So glad I did this!
3. Another boundary I set after Darin filed for divorce was not playing music together. As most of you know, he plays the drums and I sing and play piano. We loved doing this together even in our worst of times. I remember after he filed for divorce going down to our church with him and playing worship music together and suddenly not feeling a peace about it. The peace was gone! I was learning to really watch what gave me peace and what didn’t. I wanted him to know if he was choosing this, choosing divorce, we would never play together again.
4. Physically speaking Darin set this boundary more than I did but we were not physical and intimate for a very very very long time.
5. Emotionally I cut things off with Darin. Especially after he filed for divorce. I talked to him about Macy and maybe a little bit about work but I detached myself from him emotionally. I would tell him over and over if this is what you are choosing and you know that I do not want this I will no longer be your best friend.
To set boundaries takes Faith because to do it, you are relinquishing any control you might “think” you have. See, what is funny is, you think you have control but you really don’t. That is a lie! Some of you might think if I set boundaries I might push him away, she might not know that I want the marriage to work but you see it is very important that they come back to you because God wants them to come back, God tells them to come back, not because you are doing everything just right. This is very important for the future. Their repentance should have NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to do with you besides you getting out of the way. Trust me you want to know that deep in your heart when God brings you back together. Even now I am writing this and Darin is away for 5 days for work and I have NO fear. I have NO fear because God restored us and Julie Sims didn’t have a whole lot to do with it besides standing and waiting and getting out of God’s way!
Start really praying about boundaries and listening to your heart. Listen to your heart. What gives you peace and what doesn’t. God is right there with you and he is going to help you in this. It is important to know this is all part of the process. Think about it…you are waiting on God but he may be waiting on you! He is waiting on you to relinquish more control!