I was thinking about the early days of our struggle after Macy Mae was born. I was a brand new mom. Macy was just weeks old and fear would grip me regarding our future especially Macy’s future and it would overwhelm me. I physically felt it as I’m sure many of you have had at times. It is so difficult, difficult doesn’t come close to describing it! It is actual physical pain.
The Lord began speaking to me about the life of Moses one weekend. I was deciding if I should file for a divorce. My motivation for filing was to make sure I did it first so that I would have the upper hand on what would happen with Macy. Who would get custody that kind of thing.
Life of Moses
It was a Saturday night and I remember telling my mom that I felt the Lord speaking to me about the life of Moses. When Moses took the Israelites out of Egypt he led them over to the Red Sea. They had no where to go either turn back out of fear and Pharaoh would probably kill them or move forward in fear and trust God to do a miracle for them at the Red Sea. There was likely death no matter how you looked at it. In the same way, divorce brings death and trusting God and waiting could also bring death. The Holy Spirit spoke to my desperate heart and said Julie, you do not know what Darin will do, you cannot control him but if you get a divorce it will most certainly be death, the consequences of which you and your family will suffer for the rest of your lives. Instead you can trust me and I may part the waters for you. That weekend God challenged me to relinquish control to Him. The control of Macy, control of our finances, control of all our possessions, even control of my reputation. What I was believing for looked completely crazy and risky! God asked me to trust that He ultimately had control. Wait wait wait, look to Him and wait wait wait for those waters to part for Darin and I.
It was a Saturday night that I told my Mom this. The next day on Sunday our worship leader led that old song Fear Not. He had no idea what God had been speaking to me. It is a song by Phil Pringle about Moses and the Israelites at the Red Sea. Now this is an oldie but read these wonderful and amazing words.
Fear not, for I am with you
Fear not, for I am with you
Fear not, for I am with you
Says the Lord
I have redeemed you
I have called you by name
Child, you are mine
When you walk thru the waters
I will be there, and thru the flame
You’ll not (No way!) be drowned
You’ll not (No way!) be burned
For I am with you
Being a worship leader you are always trying to be current with your song list. I think it is important to be current yet you always have to listen to the Holy Spirit. This is like a dance in your head and heart. That morning our worship leader got it right. I knew that song was meant for me, meant for us!
Later that night I still remember it so vividly. I was by myself sitting on our couch in the family room and fear came to grip my heart again. Fear for what Macy’s future might look like if I didn’t try to “take control”. I stood up and walked down the hall in our house to Macy’s bedroom and I felt Jesus whisper in my ear “‘You’ll not, no way, be drowned.’”
