What some of you don’t know is in desperation and before I got a handle on all my emotions I filed for a legal separation. I was so desperate to change our situation I thought that is what I needed to do. I now feel this was wrong and a form of manipulation on my part. I wanted to take control of the situation instead of putting our lives in God’s hands and trusting Him but nonetheless I filed.
I remember sitting in the lawyer’s office and thinking this was not supposed to happen to me, to us! I was screaming inside my heart this cannot be happening! The lawyer tried to talk me out of filing for a legal separation and instead just get it over with, not waste my money and get a divorce. She kept saying don’t you want better for your self. Don’t you want someone who will want to love you and take care of you? She went on and on. Thinking about it now reminds me of Eve in the garden and how Satan was taunting her.
Now I know the lawyer was doing her job. She was an innocent bystander making a living but I believe the powers of darkness and heaven itself were again at war for us in that little law office. By God’s grace I did not listen to her and file for a divorce but I did file for a legal separation.
It reminds me of the story of Moses very early on when he tried to take control of things.
Exodus 2:11-12
One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. Looking this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand.
Isn’t that exactly how it is in marriage? You look around at your life seeing things go on that just aren’t right. If anyone else saw what you saw or felt what you felt they would agree. It isn’t the marriage you had planned for, prepared for, and sacrificed for. Your thinking it just can’t go on like this I have to do something. Do I put up with this? Do I suffer like this? Do I make everyone else in my family suffer like this? Is this right? How long should it take? Is there any hope?
All these questions plagued Darin and I for completely different reasons.