I found myself sometimes just staring at nothing, looking around the room and then bringing my eyes into focus on a lamp or a piece of furniture. Realizing that my mind was just wondering. I often would say to myself “what am I doing, what have I done?” I was in a total tail spin. My life was becoming increasingly confusing, each and every day as I would distance myself from my creator bit by bit. Sin was becoming my best friend, after all it was who I spent most of my time with now. Inside I was crying, crying my bleeding heart out. Inside I was dying, dying a slow and painful death. Inside me there was a voice, there was a loud but quiet voice. His words were always in the voice, everyday His words were there. “How can I enjoy this sin” I would say. “How can I enjoy this life of sin I want with Him and His voice” I can’t, I can’t enjoy it! How can I enjoy my sin when Gods voice is talking to me? I’m Still angry God, I’m still without answers and I’m not coming off this ledge. Just leave me alone for a while and let me enjoy my sinful life would you!
That is how my life went for the next several years. A fight, a struggle to understand what I could not. A rebellion, a rebellion was all I had to offer myself in response to my disappointment with God.
Its amazing how your body adjusts. Your mind and body adjust to your new life. Somehow we can just make our lives adjust to our new way. Oh you don’t know what I’m talking about unless you have done it. We adjust, and its not hard to do. We have a way to justify our actions, our ways of thinking, and it seems as though its working. We even have a new way to god himself, a new relationship we have built with him. This works we say, I can do this, I can make this work. And so we go, making it work and making our way through it. Why do we do this, we do it because we have to; because we have to! Because the desire is still there to know a God. But, now we have changed the god we now know. We have changed him as we needed to be to cope with our current life we have built. I mean its about coping now you know, its about getting through the day. Although this new god I serve, he doesn’t give me the peace, the joy, the love. But, I can muster some of this up within my self and put it out for all to see. I can muster some up and put in on display, I mean after all I have to its part of my cover, its part of my new life. Its not so wrong is it? Its not so wrong to change God as I need him to fit my new life I want. I mean people do it all the time when they need to find a reason to leave. People do it all the time when they need a reason to divorce, to leave the wife of their youth. People do it all the time when they need a reason to not stand, a reason to not walk through hell to get to heaven. People do it all the time when they are the innocent ones but they think they can’t make the stand. They change Him you know. Well, I got news for you…. I got some real news for you, that THE VOICE NEVER LEFT! THAT QUIET BUT LOUD VOICE NEVER LEFT! God’s true voice never left me even when I was making a new god to fit my new life. I always knew that the new god was not the true God, not the real God that saved me from my sin, and His voice was the only thing that made any sense to me. But because we are so good at serving ourselves I pursued my new god. The day was coming though, the day was coming because God loved and was patient with me. The day was coming when I was going to heed the VOICE. The day was coming when I was going to start to listen to the voice and stop serving my false god.
Darin