My day had come, my chance to escape. I was recalled after 9/11 back to the military and given two days to report to my duty far far away from my life I did not want anymore. This was my chance; no more faking it, no more wife, no more life. I’m free to express my pain in the only way I know how. SIN! Ya baby sin! No cloud of witnesses watching me anymore. Now I’m going where nobody knows me or expects any standards of me. I’m going to live it up. And that’s exactly what I did. Who says nobody backslides overnight? On the outside that’s what I did, but on the inside my heart was a long time with suffering. Long time with stuffing, pushing, cramming and barricading emotional deficiencies that I felt and disappointments that had experienced. Ok God I can’t understand this thing I’m in, I tried, no answers for me, no relief…fine I got this, I know where I can go to feel better. It’s all about feeling better! Isn’t it? Isn’t it all about feeling better?
Months went by, I was far from home. Man I am having fun, it’s like I’m 18 again before I was saved. I’m free and I’m keeping my sin at bay. I keep my sin to an acceptable level because I still have some love for God you know; I’m not a total savage. But week by week, month by month I’m finding my sin increasing and the ability to sin much less resistible. Half of me is loving this life, half of me is miserable. My freedom doesn’t feel so free for some reason. But what do I have to go back to? More unanswered questions? More of the same, more of a spouse who doesn’t meet my needs. After 6 months I go home on leave for two days. I drop the bomb! The Atomic Bomb! I don’t love you, I never have. I’m sorry but I’m not attracted to you. I respect you as a person, I love you as a person, but I’m not in love with you. It’s not you really Its me, your a great girl but you deserve what I can’t give you. Wow, I’m finely honest and it feels pretty good but I feel like shit too. At this point I’m starting to really not like myself, so all the more for this. I’m doing her a favor, she deserves better than me anyway. God you told me to marry this girl and it didn’t work out so telling her this is helping her, I’m going to give her a second chance to find someone who is good for her. And me, I can find that girl who meets my expectations that my father and I have built over my life time. I mean God would want me to find that girl right? Of course he would, God wants me to be happy.
So off go I, back to my military assignment leaving what looks like tsunami of destruction behind me. But I’m good, Ya, I’m hurting but I’m strong, I will get through this, it’s for the better in the long run.
***TO BE CONTINUED***
This is my prayer for you:
Vs 3. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear: thought war break out against me even then I will be confident. One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy!
Vs 8: my heart says of you “Seek His Face!” Your face will I seek.
Vs 8 was a lesson I have learned greatly, to seek his face in the midst of trouble.
Love you guys,